terça-feira, 12 de junho de 2012

I have an addiction

''Since 2009 I have had an adiction to chat sites. I'm coming clean about it finally.
I've tried controlling it. It has been under control a few times but all I need is time to go back to the same things. At first it started with having penpals. The excstacy a person gets after receiving e-mails. Always checking my e-mail to see if I got a new one. Then one penpal suggested we chat. For a while I didn't dare. All I wanted was a penpal. From there it stemed to me going on chat sites because my penpals weren't replying. Then mostly guys private messaged me. It became invigorating how a bunch of people wanted to talk to me. Guys never talked to me in real life. I guess maybe I made them scared or I just wasn't outside of my shell enough for them. I don't like taking risks.
It was nice feeling like guys could like me. I knew there were freaks out there but feeling wanted is a nice feeling. Soon I was going on so many chat sites mainly teen chats and guys only wanted one of few things : show their private parts, have me show mine, sex chat or cam sex. I hated it but slowly I got pulled in. The only thing I did was never cam with them. I can't say I'm free from all that. I wish I was.

I hopped reality would somehow save me. I started seeing it as a world of fiction if they were lying why shouldn't I.

One thing about adicts we always try to find excuses for our behaviour. We try to believe our excuses. Sometimes we do but only long enough to do it again. But then we are back to the same empty or numb feeling. The more you do it the less you feel the more you need to feel anything but you are convince you will feel that high. You come close but never close enough.

I still chat. I try restrict my chatting to topics I am okay with and no sex!(I deserve more and I'm ore marture) Not as many people chat with me. I think about my future husband. I want to be purified for him. If I don't deserve it then why not him. Plus he'll be pure.

I also chat on religion chat sites people keep their topics more clean. I'm working on it but I am still tempted to talk to the immature idiots that come private messaging me. But I know it's just that I have to invest more time with people on the outside.
Maybe I'm missing out.
I also chat when I feel frustrated with guys but now I think about my future husband.

What would he think of me.

 What will I think of myself.

 I deserve more.''

(Excerpt from A day in the life of Jane Janette)

p.s. for a little fun

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