segunda-feira, 26 de setembro de 2016

Failure or Giving up

It's been a long time since I wrote on this blogue since the tales of my characters have been kept alive...

Such things happen when suddenly reality is better than fiction, and then when reality is so cruel you can't believe it's happening to you.  Those wounds will take me a long time to heal from as long as I choose to heal yet that isn't what made me want to write... That tale may come in due time with my own conclusions hopefully so that I may forgive, forget and let go.

What makes me want to write is failure, giving up, letting go.

I have been so confused and nervous because of it. I have a hard time admitting I've done it, for fear of letting go but I realized it's not the first time I "gave up".

I "gave up" learning the piano. At least twice and I keep coming back to it but I gave me more energy and resolve to put more of myself into singing.

I've been singing for years but for the past 11 years I've been singing in four part harmony. What would have happened if I had kept up the piano when my calling is in fact to sing. I still love the piano but a lot of what I know about music and that took me so long to learn through piano I have learnt almost instinctively through singing.

So am I in fact a failure? Did I in fact give up? or did I just choose to invest my time in something else where I am much happier...

Now a days happiness is sometimes the last thing on our minds but it is important. When we can find no joy in life we end up sick. Happiness does in part come from within but it also needs to be on our radar. Doing nothing does not make people happy. Humans need to do something we need to move. We were made to survive...

On the other hand doing nothing too does not make us happy. Like everything it is a question of balance. Maybe that balance is happiness.

Maybe giving up isn't giving up but waiting for later, for a better time, or perhaps no longer forcing something when we are meant to be doing something else. Can that really be failure?
It's the roads we travel that make us who we are...

Is someone who travels the world before finding his path home any less than the person who travels but one path to get there?
Some of us must travel far to find that we were home in the first place but in the meantime we became someone different. Some people need to travel the long way some the short way and some just need to go somewhere else before coming home.

Did I give up? Am I a failure?

I can probably spend the rest of my life wallowing about this wondering if I made the best decision. There may never be an answer especially if I spend the rest of my life questioning my decision.

So am I a failure?

Failure is only if I do not take this experience as a way to grow, if I learnt nothing from it.
Failure is the inability to grow with the odds...

So what if I could not break this rock above me, as long as I grow around it I may yet one day grow strong enough for my leaves to rise high above it.


sexta-feira, 4 de março de 2016

Pale

The palor of my skin
so akin
to my former hand

palor
when sunlight is a luxury
that I cannot afford

pale

p
a
l
e



like this page


sábado, 30 de janeiro de 2016

Drowning (Lyrics? )

Drowning in books, pages,
Lookin' up things
No space to breath.
Tears running down my face.
Pulling my hair.
Workin' my soul bare.
Seeing that
they don't care.
They just look and stare
And my soul is bare.
Trying to scream!!!!!!
This was suppose to be my dream.

Can't take it anymore.
The empty feeling
Invading like a desert storm.
Words, corrections, grammar
and reflections.

Like drowning with no way to
breath.
Let the rain fall
Let the stones roll
on me.

For a moment to be free.

Books in every corner.
Ideas so fleeting,
So my much and so little preparation
Comes to nothing.

Drowning in water,
Drowning in my own tears.
Ripping my hair without a care.

Wishing I could scream
But no one wants to hear....

And slowly slipping
into oblivion
non-existente.

terça-feira, 24 de novembro de 2015

Publications

People are cruel. Yes even your former teacher who you know added on social network can be cruel.
You put up a post where you are reflecting and thinking about how you feel and another person half the world away can say something to make you cry.
It's tough love they say. Well you can't express an opinion without knowing the context.
I suddenly remember why I left that place.

People are cold. It's deeper than their bones. In other countries people may be mean and cruel but cold no. Hot headed, temperamental but never cold.

I'm 8 hours away and you tell me to get off of social network and work?
Clearly the memory of a person is better than the reallity.
I suppose my mind even created a better version of what was...
For some reason someone who taught you once feels entitled to give you cold tough love. I don't live where you live. Here bullying is not proven to be a way of creating incentive to work.

Bullying. Now you can be bullied by someone on the other side of the world. They don't see your face. They don't care. More and more I feel the differences in culture.
Your ancestors may have come from Europe but you are no European. You have lost the heat that made your blood boil like lava. You lack the mild warm waters of the medditeranean of the Atlantic bathing you.
We may be getting colder but we will never be frozen glaciers. We thaw! You don't except for your own kind. You are the racist, the ignorante, and centered only on yourself. You were the product of multiculturalism and yet you do nothing to be intercultural. You show tolerance as a mask where your skin should be acceptance.
You may call it the old country or the new continent but it has a younger, fresher, brighter mentality than yours.
It's not a question of age but of being open minded. Tear off! your masks for underneath you are nothing but ice! Where is the compassion you so wish for?

I have learnt in almost six years more than I did my entire life on your frozen shores. Here I can breath, be free, see old and new.
I am not passive. I am active and more than anything I believe.

sexta-feira, 2 de janeiro de 2015

Just write....


There are those people  who year in and  year out say change is coming their way yet they aren't ever the change that they seek. Year after year they foretell of their glory, of the kingdome that they have been promised without deserving it. Of their great might. Of the Glory of a great God who has chosen that they should be the leaders of men... and then like a shadow it passes.

Like water in the desert. It is all but a mirage but then those who year in and year out care for and love these people. People who are perhaps crazy, perhaps delusional, maybe they are the ones that God has chosen to do something great. That great thing being to love the people so lacking in their connection to reality.

How would you feel to hear someone claim that they were chosen by God to be followed, to be a renewed Christ when every year their small following is ever smaller...
    One day no one will follow you... yet I stay and wait... Wait for moments when a father is once again a father and his feet breefly touch the ground...
     A life of waiting...

Maybe I'm just multi-tasking :P waiting and doing something else.


sábado, 27 de dezembro de 2014

Feverish and Fun! and crazy holidays

So it's the holidays and my for someone who starts celebrating on their birthday (dec 21) it is the beginging to a marathon of celebrating.

Today I'm running a fever...Now for some fever induced jokes...

Me: I'm so hot!
person: Ya Right!
Me: just touch my forehead...

Why am I running a fever?
the best gift dad gave me for Christmas was the flu.
 I'm not kidding.

The second best was an argument about a fruit cake I was given in October. Aparently he hadn't given it to me and so on christmas day he says oh we can eat it. and I say no I gave it to someone. and he's all well it was mine.
You can't give someone something and then want it back. A gift is a gift.
(I had lots of other fruit cakes and so I gave it to someone special)

the third best was an argument on racism, and discrimination on Christmas.
I'm feminist which means I believe men and women are equal and should be treated as equals.
It went south fast.
He says some people put themselves in a position to be harassed. Which then reminds people that if you are bullied. Is it your fault for being a target ? no.

and to top all this off on christmas at midnight after I had been telling everyone i forgot the presents at home. (We had a huge amount of bags all with food no one noticed and he didn't even try to help while two women laboured quickly to get food done. he lounged on the sofa infront of a heater.)

Everyone knew I told everyone. Everyone told me it was okay.
So after midnight he realizes this and he gets mad and says let's go I don't want to be here anymore...
I wanted to see the reactions on their faces.
well news flash! I have bbeen working on the gifts since november! I did most of them. The two or three necklaces he bought It was MY idea to wrap them up. I did it all!
and like some sad child he wanted to go home. Because he didn't get his way.

but the truth is that not all was lost because just one crazy family member in the midst of 15 kind family members won't ruin anyone's Christmas.

I am blessed with a mother that has the sanity for two people, the strenght and courage of two.
and a bunch of people whom I love to the core and support me in the ways they know how.


i'm feeverish....