segunda-feira, 20 de agosto de 2012

Me being a bit random

Okay well I JUST need to blow some steam. or not or whatever.

I went to his facebook page. I know I know I said I wouldn't but I shook my magic 8 ball and if it said yes I would check his page to see his relationship status.
And to my surprise the magic 8 ball said yes so I looked at his page and yes  he is still single on it. Not that that really matters but it does put a smile on my face even if it is a lie.

I swear if I didn't have a crush on him I sooo would not be thinking about boys in any way shape or form.

Honestly I don't see anyone whom I might actually like liking me. It just doesn't happen that way with the exception of friends of course.

I've never really be able to imagine myself dating and every time I dream of getting married I'm in a beautiful staight jacket, with lace of course, trying to get away. Or in a nice enough dress running away from the isle.
I have to admit I love wedding gowns. I love the ideals of the institution of marriage but I hate that in actual fact many people interpret a marriage certificate as a title of ownership.

Which is beside the point. Many people do have loving marriages although for some it's just a waiting game of who will go first.

The way I learnt things was you dated in order to get to know people in order to see if they were a good match for you to marry.
Now a days many people have the same thing on their minds, and it isn't the fullfilment of a covenant with God. In fact for many it involves very little comitment.
I am not saying I judge people for their choices. I would never judge a person on the way they think or live.
I have my beliefs and I hope that people have enough decency to respect that.

Some messages are transendent.

I don't like when people bash my beliefs or tell me they are impossible infront of me. Just because I am quiet does not mean I am not listening. I could do the same thing but I don't.
Sometimes people believe because they have reason to believe. Maybe there was a moment in their lives where they were in desperation and chose to say a prayer even though they did not believe and God listened and did something.
You don't need a lot of faith just a right moment.

Some people believe out of choice, some out of tradition, some because they must, and others because they feel something which is beyond themselves.

I could never date someone who did not believe in something bigger then themselves. It's not in my personality or in my religious academic education. At least that is the way I feel now.
I am a person of faith if nothing else. I may not always know, or be able to describe what it is I believe in but that I believe, I do. It's a part of who I am.

That is why I pray because when I don't pray for guidance when listening to my heart I often times get side tracked by other voices.

I don't pray for people to love me or even to like me. I pray that people don't hate me or dislike me, that they be indiferent.
I pray for courage, for peace, for the tools I need to find the answers myself.
I was once told by an Uncle,'' I don't ask God for things but for the tools that I need to get them''.

I have a crush. It's normal. Does it put a smile on my face from time to time? yes. Do I want to do something about it? I'm kinda scared so no not really. Should I eventually do something about it? Yes I probably should. Do I want to know if my crush likes me? honestly I think I do.
Do I want someting to come of it? No. Would it be awkward? probably. Why would I not want something to come of it? because I'm scared, and I don't like disapoinment.

Such is life.

p.s. the biggest question is does he like me?

quarta-feira, 15 de agosto de 2012

if I were Helga

'' Bloody Stupid once again!
For months I have been well not really thinking about *** and it has been good. From time to time a random thought but now I am not even looking for his picture and it shows up everywhere. If I were acctually looking at his Magic Mirror account all the time I would be Like Helga from Hey Arnold.
And ya i noticed he changed his picture. My hands tremble and I feel like swearing profuselly. And I don't really swear.
I could make a shrine but then my fear would be people finding it and having to admit it to myself. I have been stalk free for the last 3 months about. I have not been even once to his magic mirror. And yes I feel bad because I said I would do a whole year withouth thinking about 'guys'. Although the loop hole is that it's only been about one person, and I can start my year of that with the new year. Which is beside the point.
And I now the c**** should be a sanctuary.

Sometimes we wonder what if?
Well admit to someone you like them that you like them.
Assuming I was constantly doubting it once again or acctually believing it for large periods of time. What is the worst that could happen?
 1. he not like me.
 2. He could like me.

What is the best that could happen?
 1. he could like me.
 2. he could not like me.
 3. I would have closure.
 4. I would have relief.

One thing I have learnt is that I have my whole life ahead of me for almost everything be it work or 'love'. It's not like in medieval times when life expectancy was of about 30 years. I have a lot to learn yet and though at times it can feel frustrating,  it's okay and it's normal.
Many people my age aren't dating and haven't ever dated.
I should be more focused on school and on other stuff but not being is okay too.
No matter what we do or how we do it for some things there are no wrong paths only different ways of getting to the same thing and in the end that is our happiness.
It isn't wrong to think we like or that we love, as long as we don't go crazy about it and with it.
Sometimes not saying something isn't wrong but it isn't right either.
That's kinda why I am back to zero. Zero is a funny number. It's round where it starts is where it ends just like my train of thought with this.
People tell me what to do but I don't take the advice. Maybe because I'm lacking in courage.
I have soo many questions. And soo many answeres but maybe I'm hopping to find an answer which is that of my heart. It's like being on the radio trying to tune into a station.

''How to be brave
How can I love
when I'm afraid to fall''
 (A Thousand Years- Christina Perri)

segunda-feira, 13 de agosto de 2012


Back to square one
haunted by the shadows of yester years
Feels like I'm pointlessly arguing with the past
Like it is arguing with me

'Past why have you forgotten me.'
Caught in between yesterday and tomorrow.
Feels like I have no answers
only endless questions.

Feeling sad once again
don't know how to make friends
even less how to keep them

oh wait a minute!
it's because i'm bored
and listening to sad songs.
maybe i'm just waiting for someone to save me?

sexta-feira, 10 de agosto de 2012

We'll Rant and Roar

Today in Honour of Brimsty I am dedicating my post to complaining.
If you need to complain go ahead.
Only two rules : numerate your complaints and they have to be in English, French or Portuguese.
p.s. Random things are okay.

The title of this Post is Rant and Roar which happens to also be a song from the Canadian Band called The Great Big Sea.

This is their song to accompany you on your ranting. :D

1. I found a picture that I could use to compare the crazy duke of blue with the cookie Prince.
2. I found a second one too.
3.I'm trying to leave this all in God's hands. Since I believe in 'im might as well let him guide me and not worry about it.
4. No I still haven't gone to the beach.
5. I don't have a boyfriend or a fish named boyfriend.
6. I'm wondering what's the point of number 5 in both cases.
7. I feel i'm wasting my summer on stupid stuff.
8. Will I ever have the courage to face my fears?
9. Will I ever know myself well enough to not doubt my feelings for people who aren't my family?
10. I am not always funny, or mad. There is an inbetween people.
11. My penpals aren't answering so I've gone to chat rooms for people my age to talk.
12. number 11 wastes time but it ain't any comforting or much fun. It's soo frustrating having 6 guys private message and not have anything meaningful to say most of the time. So I ignore them but it takes a while to do that because you think yay someone who can talk about music. WRONG! It's always the same things .... or they are just trying to get you to send money or take them away from their countries. In rare cases some people say something worth while amid sooooo much crap.
So why do I do it? To waste time and remember how boring and stupid it is. Penpals are the better way to go they most of the time are interested in a cultural exchange of some sorte.

quinta-feira, 9 de agosto de 2012

I know I know plus random

I know I know this school be over but last night I princess Cinderhella dreamt that the Prince of Darkness had shown up again and that I was running away from him and so somehow made it back to the Cookie Prince to save me. In the dream I kept trying to rationalize 'I like him because I don't like the Prince of Darkness. The Cookie Prince is my scapegoat. I'm using him to be free of the Prince of Darkness.'
So I am back to analyzing what I feel for Prince Cookie. I know I said I would put it aside.
1. I still feel a tingle when I see his picture. (No I don't go purposefully looking for it. I even changed my relationship status to blank.)
2. I found a pic of my father where he looks a lot like Prince Cookie. (Maybe Prince cookie will be down graded to dwarf but he's not that short. He's taller than me.)
3. I think he quit the choir
4. I find myself thinking about talking to him.
5. I've turned really pessimistic about relationships.
6. Cinder-in-heel-a ahahaha! :P
7. I'm gonna find that pic and compare.
8. Choir is a sancutuary
9. I am going to have a hell of a year to try and finish my ba.

terça-feira, 7 de agosto de 2012

sábado, 4 de agosto de 2012

Cookie-Cookie-Cookie- Cupcake

''The Princess Cookie looked and looked but she could not find her Cupcake Prince. She found a Cookie one instead that she saw from afar. She liked him but then fear and time made her get over him but not completely for the Princess Cookie in random moments still wonders how many cookies she must bake until she reaches the Cupcake castle to find the cup cake prince that her Fairy God mother told her would be her true prince. Princess Cookie still looks for the Cupcake Prince though she fears she will have no pacience for any kind of Prince and because from time to time she still thinks about the cookie Prince. So she's decided to start making her gown she will wear when she finally finds the Cupcake Prince. Hopefully he won't be in disguise.

'The best things are worth waiting for' told her the fairy God Mother.'' (Tales of a cookie Princess)