Pale

The palor of my skin
so akin
to my former hand

palor
when sunlight is a luxury
that I cannot afford

pale

p
a
l
e



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Drowning (Lyrics? )

Drowning in books, pages,
Lookin' up things
No space to breath.
Tears running down my face.
Pulling my hair.
Workin' my soul bare.
Seeing that
they don't care.
They just look and stare
And my soul is bare.
Trying to scream!!!!!!
This was suppose to be my dream.

Can't take it anymore.
The empty feeling
Invading like a desert storm.
Words, corrections, grammar
and reflections.

Like drowning with no way to
breath.
Let the rain fall
Let the stones roll
on me.

For a moment to be free.

Books in every corner.
Ideas so fleeting,
So my much and so little preparation
Comes to nothing.

Drowning in water,
Drowning in my own tears.
Ripping my hair without a care.

Wishing I could scream
But no one wants to hear....

And slowly slipping
into oblivion
non-existente.

Publications

People are cruel. Yes even your former teacher who you know added on social network can be cruel.
You put up a post where you are reflecting and thinking about how you feel and another person half the world away can say something to make you cry.
It's tough love they say. Well you can't express an opinion without knowing the context.
I suddenly remember why I left that place.

People are cold. It's deeper than their bones. In other countries people may be mean and cruel but cold no. Hot headed, temperamental but never cold.

I'm 8 hours away and you tell me to get off of social network and work?
Clearly the memory of a person is better than the reallity.
I suppose my mind even created a better version of what was...
For some reason someone who taught you once feels entitled to give you cold tough love. I don't live where you live. Here bullying is not proven to be a way of creating incentive to work.

Bullying. Now you can be bullied by someone on the other side of the world. They don't see your face. They don't care. More and more I feel the differences in culture.
Your ancestors may have come from Europe but you are no European. You have lost the heat that made your blood boil like lava. You lack the mild warm waters of the medditeranean of the Atlantic bathing you.
We may be getting colder but we will never be frozen glaciers. We thaw! You don't except for your own kind. You are the racist, the ignorante, and centered only on yourself. You were the product of multiculturalism and yet you do nothing to be intercultural. You show tolerance as a mask where your skin should be acceptance.
You may call it the old country or the new continent but it has a younger, fresher, brighter mentality than yours.
It's not a question of age but of being open minded. Tear off! your masks for underneath you are nothing but ice! Where is the compassion you so wish for?

I have learnt in almost six years more than I did my entire life on your frozen shores. Here I can breath, be free, see old and new.
I am not passive. I am active and more than anything I believe.

Just write....

There are those people  who year in and  year out say change is coming their way yet they aren't ever the change that they seek. Year after year they foretell of their glory, of the kingdome that they have been promised without deserving it. Of their great might. Of the Glory of a great God who has chosen that they should be the leaders of men... and then like a shadow it passes.

Like water in the desert. It is all but a mirage but then those who year in and year out care for and love these people. People who are perhaps crazy, perhaps delusional, maybe they are the ones that God has chosen to do something great. That great thing being to love the people so lacking in their connection to reality.

How would you feel to hear someone claim that they were chosen by God to be followed, to be a renewed Christ when every year their small following is ever smaller...
    One day no one will follow you... yet I stay and wait... Wait for moments when a father is once again a father and his feet breefly touch the ground...
     A life of waiting...

Maybe I'm just multi-tasking :P waiting and doing something else.

Feverish and Fun! and crazy holidays

So it's the holidays and my for someone who starts celebrating on their birthday (dec 21) it is the beginging to a marathon of celebrating.

Today I'm running a fever...Now for some fever induced jokes...

Me: I'm so hot!
person: Ya Right!
Me: just touch my forehead...

Why am I running a fever?
the best gift dad gave me for Christmas was the flu.
 I'm not kidding.

The second best was an argument about a fruit cake I was given in October. Aparently he hadn't given it to me and so on christmas day he says oh we can eat it. and I say no I gave it to someone. and he's all well it was mine.
You can't give someone something and then want it back. A gift is a gift.
(I had lots of other fruit cakes and so I gave it to someone special)

the third best was an argument on racism, and discrimination on Christmas.
I'm feminist which means I believe men and women are equal and should be treated as equals.
It went south fast.
He says some people put themselves in a position to be harassed. Which then reminds people that if you are bullied. Is it your fault for being a target ? no.

and to top all this off on christmas at midnight after I had been telling everyone i forgot the presents at home. (We had a huge amount of bags all with food no one noticed and he didn't even try to help while two women laboured quickly to get food done. he lounged on the sofa infront of a heater.)

Everyone knew I told everyone. Everyone told me it was okay.
So after midnight he realizes this and he gets mad and says let's go I don't want to be here anymore...
I wanted to see the reactions on their faces.
well news flash! I have bbeen working on the gifts since november! I did most of them. The two or three necklaces he bought It was MY idea to wrap them up. I did it all!
and like some sad child he wanted to go home. Because he didn't get his way.

but the truth is that not all was lost because just one crazy family member in the midst of 15 kind family members won't ruin anyone's Christmas.

I am blessed with a mother that has the sanity for two people, the strenght and courage of two.
and a bunch of people whom I love to the core and support me in the ways they know how.


i'm feeverish....

Father Dear (excerpt from a comedy)

''Father dear

Next year on my birthday speak not of:

1. Cuban Prostitutes
2. Prostitution
3. Politics
4. Religion
5. Any nudity
6. Speak loudly without listening to anyone
7. Be sad that no one listens to you
8. Be sad that no one is speaking
9. Say the same things as other but with a more booming voice to prove that you are right.
10. Remember it is my birthday party
11. say no one cares about you. They do but only because of me.

now for christmas don't

1. stay in a corner listening to music on your pc not to bother anyone

just because you are not the center of attention does not mean no one cares or that you are not participating.

2. I love you dad so please don't embarasse me.
For all your faults and how much you make me go crazy I love you and that is not going to change.

For this year I have hope. Like all the years I can remember. Even if I come back again to the same conclusion next year. ''
 

a cry...at random

why do we lie to people about how we are? why do we lie to our friends, to our family?
Is the truth so horrible? and so what if it is?

How are you?
I'm not well. I miss my choir. I miss my university. I miss the music, but above all I miss my friends.
    I'm heading into my fifth year in this country and I am proud to say some of the friends I made then are still my friends now. i miss them
i miss these things

dark days
bright days
never two days the same
sometimes it's a shame
ups , downs
and loopdi lous


Published: Feb 2009

Taking It Day By Day

Each day I live, the pain consumes
What little sanity I have bloomed
Like walking in a cloud of fog
Falling down, sinking into smog

Life just seems grim
I think on a whim
Interest lost in everything I do
But what a life, who really knew?

Depressed to a fault, that all I see
Death just seems like the only way for me
A waste of time, I feel I am
But that's its nature, a full mind jam

I try and try to ease the pain
A fallen effort with no gain
Thoughts begin to eat away
Makes me want to end it today

Uncomfortable around others for the way I feel
I pray and wish this all wasn't real
Life just seems more like a prison
Caged, alone, an abomination risen

No one could ever understand
Why I would want my death sooner than planned
Its not something I want for me
But to end my suffering this is what has to be

So I write this all as I fall from grace
Down to this place, some barren waste
I know not how much longer I will last
But all I can do, is pray that this will just pass.