if I were Helga

'' Bloody Stupid once again!
For months I have been well not really thinking about *** and it has been good. From time to time a random thought but now I am not even looking for his picture and it shows up everywhere. If I were acctually looking at his Magic Mirror account all the time I would be Like Helga from Hey Arnold.
And ya i noticed he changed his picture. My hands tremble and I feel like swearing profuselly. And I don't really swear.
I could make a shrine but then my fear would be people finding it and having to admit it to myself. I have been stalk free for the last 3 months about. I have not been even once to his magic mirror. And yes I feel bad because I said I would do a whole year withouth thinking about 'guys'. Although the loop hole is that it's only been about one person, and I can start my year of that with the new year. Which is beside the point.
And I now the c**** should be a sanctuary.

Sometimes we wonder what if?
Well admit to someone you like them that you like them.
Assuming I was constantly doubting it once again or acctually believing it for large periods of time. What is the worst that could happen?
 1. he not like me.
 2. He could like me.

What is the best that could happen?
 1. he could like me.
 2. he could not like me.
 3. I would have closure.
 4. I would have relief.

One thing I have learnt is that I have my whole life ahead of me for almost everything be it work or 'love'. It's not like in medieval times when life expectancy was of about 30 years. I have a lot to learn yet and though at times it can feel frustrating,  it's okay and it's normal.
Many people my age aren't dating and haven't ever dated.
I should be more focused on school and on other stuff but not being is okay too.
No matter what we do or how we do it for some things there are no wrong paths only different ways of getting to the same thing and in the end that is our happiness.
It isn't wrong to think we like or that we love, as long as we don't go crazy about it and with it.
Sometimes not saying something isn't wrong but it isn't right either.
That's kinda why I am back to zero. Zero is a funny number. It's round where it starts is where it ends just like my train of thought with this.
People tell me what to do but I don't take the advice. Maybe because I'm lacking in courage.
I have soo many questions. And soo many answeres but maybe I'm hopping to find an answer which is that of my heart. It's like being on the radio trying to tune into a station.

''How to be brave
How can I love
when I'm afraid to fall''
 (A Thousand Years- Christina Perri)